The Battle Within
by Ramica
Summary: An inside look at Leo's mind when he goes insane. The missing chapter from The Perfect Son
1. Default Chapter

                            The Battle Within

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership to any adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Rating- PG-13 for mild swearing and some violent images.

Author's Note: This story is actually a missing chapter from another story I did called The Perfect Son. The reason it is the missing chapter is because I was writing the rough draft of the story when I first put it on the net and I decided to put up a chapter a day for the fans. During the rough draft writing I was already beyond the point of this chapter but I told the fans IF they wanted a short story on what happened inside of Leo when he went insane to let me know and I would try to write it later as to write it then would take away from where I was in the Perfect Son. This then is the result. I have tried to make this chapter stand on it's own by giving those of you who haven't read the Perfect Son    enough background in the Battle Within so you won't be lost as to what is going on and have also decided to include a summary so if you really want to know about the rest of the story or I missed something to include in here, then the summary ought to cover it.

 The Perfect Son was rated R due to swearing and violence if you are not old enough to enter the R section PLEASE do not go there to read my story or I'll send Raphael out to kick your butts. It was also based off Eastman & Laird's Mirage turtle comics. The summary is here for you to give you an idea of what went on.

 SUMMARY of The Perfect Son:

  Leo and his brothers have split up to search for Raph who has been missing. Leo notices Foot soldiers closing in and decides to try and find a safe place to fight them from. 

 Raph who has returned home realizes that Leo has been gone far too long and goes out to search for his brother. He finds signs of a battle broken weapons, blood and no sign of Leo. He finds Leo's broken katana and his mask in a garbage dumpster both are covered in blood. Raph returns home. Splinter dies of a heart attack shortly after Raph returns home.

  A veterinarian named Christine Adare has found Leo and she has taken Leo in and has done all she can to fix him up but realizes that he will most likely die of his injuries. Leo surprises her by actually living though he comes to with amnesia he knows or is aware of certain things such as the name Raph is familiar to him. He knows he has a family but that is about all he can recall of his past life. Since Raph is the only name he recalls Christine decides to call him by that at least until he knows who he is.

  Meanwhile the other turtle boys are drifting apart from one another they feel that they have lost both Splinter and Leo in the same day and all of them are hurting too much to connect to the others. Raph surprisingly is the one to bring the family together. He insist that they go back to their practices because if they keep up like this the Foot may get them too and he doesn't want to lose any more of his family. Part of Raph's sudden change is brought on by quilt he feels that he was to blame for both Splinter and Leo's loss and now he tries to make up for it by doing what he feels they would want him to do.

  One night about a month or so later, some members of a street gang attack Christine and Raph and Mike are nearby and come to help her out. She catches sight of Mike and remarks, " you're like him." Raph realizes she has to be talking about Leo and threatens her in hopes of gaining information. Mike is forced to tell his impulsive brother to lay off and then to convince Christine to tell them what she knows about their missing brother. Christine then takes them to see Leo.

 Mike and Raph tell Leo different things to hopefully get him to remember who they are or who he is but nothing works. In desperation Raph leaves to return with a spare set of katana in hopes Leo will at least remember his weapons. Leo won't even touch the swords refusing to handle them and tells his brothers " I don't know you. I've never known you. Maybe I'm not who you think I am."

 The other three boys keep trying to convince Leo who he is Raph even gives Leo a responsibility lecture for a change and a week later and Leo still isn't sure of who they are to him. In fact Leo wants NOTHING to do with his brothers and Raph has his own doubts about weather Leo even WANTS to remember them.

  Christine actually talks Leo into going to the lair one night and then to watch the other three practice but Leo doesn't show any recognition of his home or what the others are doing.

 This prompts Christine to call for a private meeting with no Leo so they can discuss Leo's problem. Christine believes that the fight, which came so close to killing Leo, now might be somehow causing Leo's mind to keep his memories locked up. The boy's tell her Leo was in a fight very similar to this last one on a Christmas Eve almost three years before. Leo had been overcome by Foot soldiers and almost killed. Now it has happened for a second time in his life. By the end of the meeting they are no closer to finding a solution to helping Leo remember but all of them plan on finding out what they can to help him.

  Some time later Mike goes to visit Leo and comes to Christine's apartment to find Foot Soldiers there and the Foot are taking Christine and Leo captive. Mike manages to follow them to their hideout. Previously the turtles had not been able to find out where the Foot were operating from. Mike returns home and the three boys start to make plans. Or more correctly Don makes plans, Raph frets and stews and Mike tries to keep Raph from taking off or destroying too much of the lair.

 Christine realizes that their only chance to escape is to get Leo to remember who he is. She can no longer allow him to be a pacifist. So she gives him a rough interrogation during it she learns Leo is scared of something. She decides to give him a rest before continuing except the Foot come in and remove Leo.

  They take Leo to their leader who is named Quan. Quan orders eight of his best to fight Leo and whenever one Foot soldier fall another will take his place. Only Leo doesn't fight. Leo doesn't know how to fight. His lack of fighting only angers the Foot and Quan who orders the Foot to use weapons and he gives Leo a bo staff to use. Now the ninja Leo would know how to use it but pacifist Leo doesn't. Leo ends up cowering and refusing to fight all together.

 Quan is not amused at Leo's failure to fight. He tells Leo he is a failure and he returns to how Leo has failed often. Leo is returned to the prison cell battered bleeding and a part of him is reacting to Quan's words about him being a failure. He knows what Quan said is true. He is a failure. He relives the two battles, which almost killed him, and they only confirm to him what sort of a failure he is. He wasn't the Perfect son after all. He had failed often in his life. Unable to face the fact that he is a failure and failure being unacceptable to Leo he goes insane! 

 Luckily it is only temporary insanity. Leo actually manages to fight his way back from wherever he went to in his mind and when he comes back he returns as Leonardo the ninja turtle! (The story here is what went on in his mind while he was insane and how he managed to come back)

  Christine and Leo manage to escape they run into Raph, Don and Mike who have come to free their friends. A whole lot of fighting goes on (this is where a lot of the violence comes in.)  And they run into Quan.

 Leo challenges Quan to shinken shobu- literally a real sword contest. A fight to the death. During such a challenge the Foot and the other turtles cannot battle each other or interfere with the ones in the challenge. Leo manages to disarm Quan but refuses to kill him, as he sees no honor in killing an unarmed foe. Quan is not grateful to Leo for sparing his life tries to kill Leo by throwing a dagger at him. Raph warns Leo of the danger throws his sais and his sais kill Quan.

  They all escape and return to the lair.

 Christine warns Raph that Leo's problems may be far from over and goes into a little detail concerning the problem at hand.

  Leo later asks Raph to be his second in command because he can't do it alone. He realizes that he can't be prefect anymore and that he has to come to grips with his fear of failing and he also needs to find out who he REALLY is because for many years he has lived up to what his family had expected from him and he knows he can't live like that anymore.

 That is where it ends.

                                     The Battle Within- The Missing Chapter.

Part One: The Path to Insanity. ( A/N Déjà vu for those of you who have read the Perfect Son though I've tried to make it a little different)

  I had been home for almost two weeks now and for most of that time I had been trying to come to grips with the knowledge that Splinter was dead and doing my best to get some semblance of order back in my life, which had been turned upside down in more ways than one.

   I knew Don and Mike were expecting me to take on the role of leader of our small clan. With Splinter's death it was inevitable for me to take his place. It was what I had been trained for but I had always hoped that I would never see this day come.

 It wasn't that I shirked responsibility or ever wanted to even. It was more that I knew it would mean MORE responsibility to assume when I already carried a burden of it and have done so for most of my life.

 I finished the kata I was doing with my katana. Then listened to the silence of the lair around me I had woken up from nightmares again and had decided to do some practice in the dojo for a while as I knew I wouldn't be going back to sleep any time soon anyway.

 I glanced down at my katana they didn't quite match though only an experienced eye would note that one of my swords was of a better quality than the other. Problem was I knew that one was better and I had no spare to equal the higher quality one. That one I had won at quite a price actually.

  Raph loved to tease me that this sword was my girlfriend. 

 I smiled ruefully at that thought as I slipped both of them back into their sheaths.

 Come on Leo stop procrastinating you have to look at it I told myself.

 At that very thought I felt something cold enter the pit of my stomach and travel up my spine giving me chills.

 I knew I had to do this but I was afraid of doing it. I who have never feared many things in my life feared looking deep inside of myself at what had basically had caused me to reject my family and my training and later cost me my very sanity. The fact that I had only lost my sanity for a short time did not ease my fears in the least.

 Yet I was honor bound, duty bound to look at it. I had promised I would look at it when I got the chance of course when I made that promise I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

 That ought to teach you NEVER promise anything until you know exactly what you are getting into Leo.

 Great advice! Pity that the inner voice hadn't spoken up before with that warning. I shook my head knowing so many things, wishing to know more than I did about some things and hoping against hope to just forget and ignore what I knew I couldn't.

 I had put off doing it while I grieved for Splinter. I was still mourning him and I knew if I wanted to I could find many reasons to keep putting off this distasteful chore before me. I also knew the longer I waited the harder it would get for me to deal with this.

  I unsheathed my favorite katana gazing at it. This weapon in many ways had brought me to this point in my life.

 I closed my eyes and could feel the Foot soldiers closing in around me. My own katanas red with the blood of fallen Foot and the grip of my weapons red from my blood were held at the ready to defend me. My katanas broke under the strain and pressure of battle this katana had destroyed my old ones. With my weapons damaged beyond use the Foot closed in on me and this katana had caused a bad slice to my head cutting through my mask. I'm surprised the Foot soldier hadn't killed me with that blow but he was an expert swordsman he knew what he was doing he wanted me to suffer and the blow to the head was more to render me defenseless than to kill me out right. His plan worked well, too well.

   Later I got the chance to challenge the owner of this katana to a fight to the death and Quan chose to use this weapon against me for the second time but I had won the match by disarming him and I had refused to kill him I saw no honor in killing an unarmed foe. I gave him his life but I knew he would live in disgrace amongst the Foot for his loss to me. Quan though he owed me my life chose to take it instead proving he had very little honor.

 I don't know why I hadn't sensed the dagger he had thrown at me. I should have felt it but I didn't. It was a good thing that Raph had typically disobeyed my orders for it was his warning that made me aware I dived down just in time to see the dagger go past and Raph's sais coming up in an arc. None of the weapons hit me but Raph's sais killed 

Quan.

 Don in our escape had managed somehow to grab Quan's katana for me. My favored weapon was a grim reminder of these past three months or so.

 It's time Leo you have to do this the inner voice whispered to me.

 I don't want to do this. I'll do anything else just don't make me look at this…I pleaded silently with that other part of myself.

 Is that how Splinter raised you? As a coward! Come now you have handled much worse.

 Maybe I have but no battle has ever taken as much out of me as what I handled then. Hell facing the Foot and fighting Quan was nothing to what I faced just before that.

 That's why you have to look at this now Leo. You have to accept it just as you have accepted the possibility of your own death in any given battle.

 I could feel my body tremble as I let out a long slow breath. I knew I couldn't keep avoiding it not for much longer at any rate. Things were expected of me and until I looked at what happened to me I would never be able to face those expectations. I had to find my path in life and to know where I was going to I had to know first where I had been. To fully understand it I would have to relive it, which meant either my nightmares were going get a lot worse after today or they would start to ease off.

 I still didn't WANT to do this. I only knew it had to be done and I had wasted enough time.

 I sat down crossed legged on the mats and took a couple of slow deep breaths knowing this time I wouldn't find any peace during my meditation. No instead I was going to face what my nightmares were made of and from…

 I breathed deep doing my best to relax and focused my mind inward concentrating on what I needed to see and I felt it was best to ease myself into it…

  I was in a circle surrounded by eight Foot soldiers they were circling me prepared to attack other Foot soldiers waited in anticipation in the warehouse I was in. I could taste the bitter coppery taste of blood in my mouth and I was wondering how the hell I had gotten into this mess in the first place.

 I mean this was really all a BIG misunderstanding they had the wrong person I wasn't who they thought I was but they didn't seem to want to listen to me.

 A punch came my way and I flinched ducking a bit as I jumped backward only to be tripped up and land on the concrete floor of the warehouse. I tried to regain my feet but they are swept out from under me and I'm being punched and kicked from all sides.

 I'm at a bit of a loss here I don't know what to do to avoid being hit. I don't know the first thing about fighting and most of their moves are made far too fast for me to even register the strike by the time I am aware of it I'm hit.

 I can sense they are angry with me though I don't understand why. I haven't done anything to them at least not that I'm aware of at any rate.

 Then I hear an imperious voice coming from above and to my left I look up and see a platform where an Asian fellow wearing a black dogi minus the hood over the face glares down at me. Quan!

 ' Use weapons forget hand-to-hand. Make him fight" he tosses a long stick my way " your weapon Freak."

 A stick is a weapon? Not much of one especially when it is up against swords and axes and I don't know what else. Bad enough he expects me to fight eight of his people now he hands me a weapon that they can turn into firewood.

  I know Don uses one of these but I am not sure how I've only seen him use it once and I wasn't really paying attention at that point. I had no interest in fighting or even learning to fight.

 Suddenly they come at me but I had no way of being able to stop them all at once what hits I do stop I put down to sheer fluke. I scream as their weapons bite into my skin and I feel the blood flow from the bites and before I could think they have struck me again.

 In less than a minute I drop my so-called weapon and try to back away when that fails I do the only thing I can to protect myself. I huddle into a ball and try to keep as much of my skin tucked into or under my shell. Why don't they just kill me? They could. I know they could. I can only sit in my trembling huddled ball waiting for them to either stop or get it over with once and for all. At the moment I don't care which one of those they choose anything would be better than being attacked by them.

 They finally stop on Quan's command and he comes down placing a dagger against my throat it's cold metal pressed up against my skin but I feel no fear.

 " You dishonor the Foot by not fighting."

 " I don't know how to fight I wish everyone would stop telling me that I did."

 " LIAR! You have no honor. You are a failure unfit to be a ninja."

  Quan was right about one thing I was a failure and I knew it. I don't know how he ever learned my deepest most guarded secret but know it he did and he threw it into my face enough to insure that I wouldn't forget that he knew either.

 I laid at his feet wishing he would just kill me and get it over with. He seemed to enjoy making me suffer. If he kept it up I might just end up begging and pleading for him to finish me. He would probably enjoy that!…

 Like I would I DON'T cower to the enemy.

 But you DID Leo and if you can't accept that how will you ever accept what lies before you on this path?

 I don't want to do this. I've had enough.

 Afraid of a memory Leo? It can't hurt you, you know?

  Wait a second the Foot why didn't they do more damage to me. They could have easily killed me if they wanted to. So why didn't they break my bones or kill me when they had a chance?

 Think about it Leo you know the answer to that one.

 I knew it all right Quan had wanted me to suffer. It was Quan who had allowed the Foot to beat me in our battle which had caused me to lose my memory in the first place and I had been left to die a slow suffering death in a garbage dumpster but I hadn't died I was still alive. I had spoiled his plan so now Quan was following the three t's tease, torment and torture me to a slow death to make up for the fact I hadn't already died.

 Quan must have ordered the Foot to go slow at first but if that was so why was he willing to pit his foot against me for if I had fought them I would have done a great deal of damage to them but I never would have escaped on my own not with that many Foot around. Just because Quan had said those soldiers were his best didn't mean they were. No he had been planning to make me suffer very slowly.

 It was a darn good thing Raph HAD killed him after all. Quan in many ways seemed far worse than Shredder at least Shredder never wanted to torture us slowly kill us yes. Do it slowly and painfully no. Even on the Christmas Eve battle Shredder hadn't been out to kill me.

 Right you are Leo. Haven't forgotten everything. Now are you ready for the rest?

 I'll never really be ready this is just something I have to do…

 I breathed deep again trying to ease back into meditation knowing that I had to accept the fact that I had or a part of me had at least cowered before Quan and the Foot- lacking all honor a total disgrace.

 If you think like that you will never accept it Leo.

 I can't help that. He's…that part of me is Pathetic!

 You're pathetic admit it Leo.

 Admit it. Believe it I had to it was what I had become when I turned pacifist and forgot all of Splinter's training. So Quan had essentially been right I was without honor at that time. I was unfit to be a ninja.

 Even an enemy can speak truth.

 Very good Leo now we can continue.

 I felt myself enter a deeper state of meditation as the memories wrapped around me yet again…

 Quan towered over me " Always meant to fail that is all your existence is worth."

  I knew the truth in his words. I heard them and I felt them resonate inside of me. I had failed through out my whole life so I could not see how I could ever be perfect. I was supposed to be perfect which meant I wasn't supposed to fail but I failed anyway. My enemy knew it and hated me for it. My family? What was it about my family…I knew there was something about my family, failure and being perfect that all connected somehow but I just wasn't sure how. It was like trying to piece a large jigsaw puzzle together while you are blindfolded. It was hard to see how it connected or fit.

 I latched on to his words knowing it was important, necessary for me to do so yet not knowing why. I had no idea what family, failure and being perfect had to do with me yet knowing I couldn't let it go until I worked it out. I was determined to work it out even though I felt trapped by what it all meant.

 A failure. Failed again always feeling like I had failed something.

 In all my time with amnesia I had never had anything that I knew I could connect to my past. My brothers if they were indeed that, for I had no memory of them to prove to me that all they had told me was truth or other wise had never been able to strike a chord so true as what Quan had with his words.

  I was determined to follow it through to find the path back so I could finally lay to rest all my concerns about who I really was. I had a lot of doubts about the fact that I was suppose to be a ninja.

 My doubts hadn't been eased any with the Foot soldiers recent attack on me. In fact if any thing that battle had only proved that I didn't know the first thing about fighting.

 " Failed. I've failed…not suppose to fail. Not allowed to fail. Failed and failed often." I screamed those thoughts in my mind and I thought I heard a voice respond to those screams but the voice came from far away in the distance It told me there was nothing wrong in failing and you couldn't really fail as long as you tried. That I hadn't failed at all I had only been overcome by large numbers. Like that was an excuse for my failing!

 The voice though distant was soft, soothing and offered comfort, which I couldn't accept because I knew that person was WRONG that person didn't know what a failure I was. If she had known she probably would never of saved my pathetic life in the first place. I recognized the voice all right though at the moment I could not think of the name that went with the voice.

  I tried to tell her how wrong she was. I told her how I had been trapped by the Foot that Christmas Eve. I relived that horrible night which I had kept locked up deep inside of myself, I lived it all again in a matter of minutes, hours? I'm not sure how long. All I knew was it was there as real as the first time I had lived it.

  My enemies leading me further a stray into a trap and I let myself be lead into that trap. I had allowed my confidence in my skills at fighting blind me to what they were doing. Once the trap had been sprung he came into view.

 Oh gods! We failed Splinter, the Shredder he is still alive. How could that be? We killed him. I know we did.

 They let me live to tell the others, a sign to my family that I was a failure to them.

 A year later we were still living in Northampton and I was afraid to come back. I kept putting it off waiting for a time when I felt more prepared. Knowing that I would never really want to come back to the place of my defeat.

 Raph had enough he knew enough of the matter and tried to convince Don and Mike that I was unfit to lead them. They wouldn't listen to Raph they were too use to the way he would rant and rave over so many things that this one time made no difference.

 He called me a coward to my face…you were always one of the best which, makes our lives here even more of a crime… it had been Raph who forced our return home. He lead and I followed after with the others and by doing so I have never been sure that I would have returned on my own if given the time or freedom to choose.

 No choice in my life. It was all placed on me and bitter hatred rose in me at that thought.

" You know what this means Raphael."

" Life or death" he replies.

 " We will not fail" I respond though inside I have my doubts about that. I fear we will all fail and our honor will not be avenged.

 Raph stares hard at me " YOU brother must NOT fail. Get him."

 Does he know how much I need to defeat him? Does he realize the fears and doubts that I have? Does he know it may be all that gives me my confidence in myself back to me? I think he knows all of that and much more besides. Raph has always been very perceptive about such things. He relies a great deal more on instinct then the rest of us do.

 I set things right I kill Shredder with my katana and saw to it he would never return again but I could not deny the fact that I had failed my family and my training.

 I failed them then and I failed them again almost two years after avenging our Master.

 I hadn't learned a single thing from that first fight. I swore to myself that I wouldn't be overcome by the enemy. That I wouldn't be trapped by them again. That I wouldn't fail as I had the first time, but I did fail them just as I had before.

 The Foot still herded me where they wanted me and one Foot soldier who bore a katana was relentless in pursuit and attack. I had to focus a lot of my attention on him. Making it far easier for the other Foot around me to strike and do more damage to me.

 I failed my family again. I had learned nothing. To fail once is bad enough. To learn nothing from your mistakes so that you fail a second time is unforgivable. I had dishonored my family.

 " Who says your not allowed to fail Leo?"

   " It's expected. I'm responsible. I'm the leader. I can't make mistakes. I have to look out for the others. If I make a mistake I'm responsible for the outcome. I can't fail the consequences for failing are too much. That's why I'm the perfect son. It's expected of me."

 " No one is perfect you know that don't you?"

 " They need me to be" I replied knowing it was true.

 " No Leo you haven't failed. No one is perfect."

 She didn't understand. How could she?

 My family couldn't be wrong. My family needed me to be responsible and to be that I had to be perfect. I couldn't make mistakes at all. To make a mistake meant I had failed the responsibility placed on me. It was a thing of honor to accept responsibility a sign of growth, respect and maturity.

 My family couldn't be wrong about that. Could they?

 I laughed suddenly unsure and while I laughed a doubt came creeping in What if they were WRONG Leo?

 Then the way I had been raised was also wrong, which meant all I knew of my life was no more than a lie and if it were all a lie where would I find truth?

 That one stray thought suddenly raised many doubts and uncertainties inside of me. All of my life trying to live up to a lie.

 It was too much to bear, too much to accept all at once. It was an overload of information causing a war to start deep inside of me. A war between the way I had been raised against my own doubts and fears of failing to be responsible and perfect.

 My laughter turned to a tormented scream as I was pulled into the midst of the battle itself.

 Part Two-  Into the Pit. A/N If this seems a little confusing please remember you are dealing with an insane turtle.

 I fell down a long way and landed hard at the bottom. I was stunned and a little shaken unsure of where I was or how I had even ended up in this place. I also wondered how I would get out before I even got a chance to find some answers to my questions I looked up and saw an old rat I knew this had to be Splinter though I had never met the ancient Master of ninjitsu " Sensei help me have I been living a lie?" I asked wondering where the word sensei had come from.

 Splinter's only response was to withdraw a long metal chain and start to wrap me up in it.

 " Master please I must know. Answer me"

 " You must be the responsible one Leonardo." He replied calmly while continuing to wrap the chain around and about me.

 The chains grew heavier by the second and I tried to break free of their weight but the chains seemed magnetized to my body refusing to loosen once they were draped on.

 " Master stop I can't…"

 " Do you deny the honor of the responsibility I place on you my son?" 

 " No I accept it."

 Splinter only nodded as if he expected me to say as much " Then why do you complain?"

 " I…it just seems like an awful lot."

 " It is a great honor Leonardo. One I'm sure that you will prove worthy of."

   " What if I fail though?"

  " It is alright to fail on the path to perfection Leonardo."

   " How can I be responsible and still fail? I don't understand Sensei" I pleaded with him and now bound so I could not move, feeling squashed by the weight of the chains he turned and left.

 " You know what is expected of you my son."

 As he disappeared so did the chains around me.

 " Hey Leo come on and play with us."

  I turned and saw a much younger version of my playful brother only about five years old. " I can't Mikey I gotta get this kata right."

 " Aw you can do that later Leo. Lets play tag huh?" a young Raph cut in.

  " I can't maybe later. I want to get this right I want Splinter to be proud of me."

  " Whatever Leo. Come on Raph."

  " Forget it Mikey, tags no fun with just two and Donny is busy and Leo is no fun ever since we been trainin'." Raph complained bitterly…

… " Hungry 'Plinter" a young Mike whimpered.

 " I know my sons I'll go see what I can find for us."

 " Can we come?"

  " No Raphael it is too dangerous. Stay here and wait for me."

  " Who look after us?" Don asked shyly.

  " Leonardo will look after you until I return. Play a game of hide and seek. I will not be gone long my sons."

  " Leo's it. Leo's it." Mike and Raph chanted.

 " All right I be it. You hide good." I counted to ten twice very slowly.  I didn't know what came after ten. Splinter hadn't taught us that yet.

 I found Donny but no matter where we searched we couldn't find Mike and Raph. When Splinter returned I admitted to him through my tears about what had happened. I had failed him. Splinter left returning shortly with a much subdued Mike and Raph who had left the lair to hide in the sewers. They knew we were not supposed to leave our home. Splinter punished Mike and Raph for it later but he didn't punish me. I had failed him. I was suppose to look out for my brothers and keep them home safe and I had failed…

 …  " I'm sick of you Leo. Splinter's favorite son."

  " Splinter doesn't play favorites Raph."

  " You really like to kiss butt don't ya Leo? You're not so perfect you know. Why can't you keep your big trap shut for a change?"

 " Like it or not Raph we have rules for a reason and sensei worries about all of us. Stop thinking of yourself and grow up." I yelled at my twelve year old brother.

 " Aw if it isn't little Splinter in the flesh. So right, so serious. Mr. Responsible himself. If you get any more perfect Leo you'll be impossible to live with."…

 " Splinter Master please tell me? Am I perfect…help me get this right…give me your wisdom so I can look out for my brothers…I'm worried about Raph why can't he be more responsible?…You're going to get us all killed one day!"

  I screamed and spun around to see a larger than life Splinter towering over me on one side and my brothers on the other side of me.

 " It is expected Leonardo"

 " Come on Leo give it a rest were tired of practicing."

 " Just because YOU have to be perfect doesn't mean we have to be."

  It is customary to respect your elders, your teacher. Splinter did what he thought was best didn't he? He knew that we would need protection to keep us safe. He instilled in all of us the need to stay hidden, secret and to live by the code of the martial arts truth, honor, to protect those who need it. It is a WORTHY cause isn't it? It gives us meaning doesn't it?

 " Yeah right! Kinda contradictory to protect the very same people who would kill us if they ever knew we existed. We have to hide all our lives and never be accepted."

 " It's for our safety Raph."

  " Worthy cause Leo? You don't believe that bull do you? Splinter trained us for two reasons only to avenge his Master and so we could defend ourselves from people who might want to turn us into science experiments. That is WHAT we were trained for so tell me what is so worthy about THAT?"

 " No"

 " Face it Splinter trained us because we were FREAKS!"

 " No there has to be more. I know there is more to it then that."

 " Then what is it Leo? Face it we've all been living a lie and you bought it and made it the truth."

 " No I wouldn't I couldn't be that blind."

  " Blind and dumb that's our Leo. So busy followin' in Splinter's footsteps you can't even see the truth in front of your face."

 " No. No Raph it's not true. It can't be true. Master Sensei Please? I need your guidance help me…"

 I turned desperate to find him hoping that when I did he wouldn't give me any more doubts. I had enough of them all ready. Where was he? Why wasn't he here? Didn't he know I needed him to ease the turmoil?

 " Sensei?"

 " Leonardo."

 I turned and saw him sitting on a chair. I went and bowed low before him kneeling humbly at his feet as I had I knew many times before. " Master…"

 " I am glad that at least one of my sons has taken the lessons I teach to heart. You wish to follow the path of the true ninja."

 " Sensei I need your help. Are we training only for the sake of revenge? Is everything you have taught us a lie?"

 " Wisdom can not be found in a day Leonardo it can only be found with time."

 " Please Master no riddles. Tell me the truth I need to know…" I begged him.

 " I'm glad of your choice Leonardo for it means…" and Splinter turned into something horrible before my eyes. His skin was rotting, his fangs grew large and vicious, and his eyes hardened and his claws lengthened "No more than a slave, a puppet. Following my path so willingly you'll forget your own self."

 I backed away and felt him close in his long claws raking me. My skin burned where he touched as if his touch was acid. " You're brothers kept their independence but you Leonardo are MINE. Fight me if you will. Show me how well I have taught you. I have raised you alone to bear the weight of the chain I forged for you my special son."

 " No Splinter. Please No!"

 " The responsible leader who punishes himself for his failures far more than I ever could" the Splinter creature hissed.

 Frantically I struggled to break free from the Splinter creature before me. It wasn't my Master. It was something horrible and in desperation I lashed out at the creature hitting it with the chain. Splinter fell to the ground in pieces and a mass of maggots crawled out and around my feet.

 " Splinter?" I whispered.

 " You failed again Leonardo. Can't have that now can we?"

 " You're supposed to be perfect and you're not are you?"

 " I let my brother get hurt. Mike I'm sorry I didn't mean for this to happen…"

 " But it did happen Leo and you are to blame. You are the reason I am hurt. You weren't perfect you failed me."

" You failed Raph as well Leo. You were never able to make him responsible. You never convinced him to put family before himself. You didn't get through to him and you should have."

 " Raph wouldn't listen what was I suppose to do Don? I tried my best."

 " You're best wasn't good enough. You should have been perfect Leo."

" Some leader. You can't even convince me to follow you into a lie. Not so perfect after all huh Leo?"

 " I didn't want to be perfect."

 " Sure you did Leo."

 " No please no…I didn't want to fail."

 " Which means you wanted to be perfect." Don countered quickly. " If you don't fail, don't make mistakes you're perfect and that is what you want to be Leo."

 My brothers faded before my eyes and from the shadows all around me emerged ghastly terrifying shapes they all looked like turtles and yet nothing like turtles. One was gaunt as a skeleton, one had no eyes just empty sockets, one was malformed it's arms, legs and shell twisted, one with a vacant haggard look and many others each different. All of them spoke together making it difficult to understand what was being said and yet there were some things I heard very clearly.

 " Can't fail gotta get it right."

 " Teach me guide me Sensei."

 " It's all a lie."

  " Don't trust people. Who knows when they may hurt you? The only ones you can trust is your family."

 " Raph why can't you be more responsible. You're going get us all killed one of these days. Just grow up will you."

 " It's my fault. I failed again. I always end up failing and sometimes Raph can make me feel like I can never do anything but fail."

  " You're a coward Leo."

 " You are pathetic not fit to be a ninja."

 As they closed in I saw in some strange way they were me. I couldn't understand that. How could I be me and these THINGS also be me? I was here and yet I also knew I was also a part of them too.

 I couldn't escape or break away. They laid their freezing cold hands on me taking hold of my arms and legs and they began to pull on me like I was a tug of war rope. I literally felt like they were going to rip me to pieces.

  " Stop it you are going to kill me" I yelled feeling my arms and legs protest the violent pulling.

 Still they pulled on me talking on in their oddly similar sounding voices.

 " The more who know about us the more danger we are in."?

 " Nothing but freaks. Nothing for us in life."

 I tried to break free of them the pain was terrible but they held me tight and I glanced down to where I could see my skin slowly parting ripping away as if it had been stretched much to far and only then did they release their shadowy grip dropping me down a hole that had opened up under me.

 TBC


	2. 3 &4

                            The Battle Within

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Author's note: For this part of the missing chapter Leo is still very much insane it is just he has reached a quieter spot within his mind. He is still very much locked up in himself though it may not show. BIG NEWS for The Perfect Son fans out there I have started to write the sequel ' My Brother's Keeper' However my views of sequels remain if the story does not seem to be just as good if not better than the original you will NEVER see it. Don't bother griping about it either quality before quantity you would not want to see a sequel if it was garbage now would you? I actually have more of a plot for Brother then I did for Perfect so we will see what happens.

Part 3 – Interlude

 I lay where I had landed stunned and still. It slowly dawned on me that there was silence so much so that it was almost deafening in the aftermath of what I had passed through. My arms and legs ached in protest as I rolled over and to a sitting position and then I saw him.

 He was sitting no more than ten feet away from me his back towards me. There was what I presumed to be a mask much like Don's, Raph's and Mike's mask around his head and two swords strapped to his back. I knew somehow that he was yet another version of myself and I had to wonder how many versions of me were in this strange place.

 He turned to face me his eyes narrowing slightly behind his mask. I scrambled to my feet feeling uneasy under his intent gaze wondering if I ought to get out before he attacked me because I really couldn't be sure what my chances would be against him there was something dangerous about him. I sensed that much.

 " Sit down I won't hurt you," he said as if he had picked up my thoughts. " I can you know it is very easy to do with YOU. I can also do it with my brothers from time to time but you are especially easy to pick up on."

 ": Your brothers?"

 " Yes, Don, Raph and Mike" he replied.

 Ah now I understood the ones who had claimed to be my brothers had actually been looking for him. I had known all along I wasn't the one they were looking for and that there was no way that I could be who they kept claiming me to be.

 " You are though."

 " Because you are me," I guessed.

 " No," He laughed " You've got that wrong. You are a part of me. You came to be when I chose not to leave here."

 " Where is here?" I asked hoping he would know.

 " Mmmhmm, Not quite sure about that. It is a peaceful spot and it is safe at any rate. Far safer than what lies beyond here and if you were to leave here I wouldn't lay odds on your chances of finding your way back to this spot if you felt the need to return that is."

  I thought about what he had said this place was very peaceful, very restful and I felt an overwhelming desire to stay right there so I can't say I blamed him for deciding to stay here. Still there was something that kept bugging me " I got to go back Christine might be worried about me."

 " Christine? I don't know any Christine," He snapped suddenly as he watched me out of suspicious eyes.

 " She saved my life. She is my friend I think she is the only friend that I have really."

 " There is Splinter and our brothers" he corrected me.

 " I don't know about Splinter. I haven't met him and there is something I was told about him can't seem to think about it right now but I have met the others. I get along okay with Mike but the other two I'm not too sure about them all Raph seems to do is to tell me to fight and that is all he seems to want from me as well and I can't figure Don out."

 " That is normal. Raph loves to fight even with me. I swear we can't go a single day without fighting. As for Don even I have problems figuring him out or understanding him so don't feel so bad. Come on sit down will you. It is nice to be able to talk with someone for a change."

 I wondered how safe I was at taking him up on that idea and then I realized that I was probably safer with him then anywhere else in this strange place I had found myself in. So I sat down in a cross legged position across from him " Do you know what those things out there are?" I asked him.

 He gave a small faint smile " They are shadows of the warrior."

 I didn't understand what he meant by that comment. " I suppose if there was a way out of here you would have found out about it by now" suddenly realizing that I might be stuck in this forsaken miserable place. Then again this place right here wasn't so bad it was fairly nice and I could grow use to this place.

 "Being here isn't so bad you know. I mean there is no one here to make demands of us, there is no one to hurt us here." He commented.

 I nodded he definitely had a point " No doubts, no responsibilities" I added.

 " No need to be perfect" he concluded with a happy sigh.

  " I don't care I still have to find a way back" I declared.

 " How you don't even know if you can go back," he reminded me.

" I have to go back Christine is my friend she might need me."

 He arched an eye ridge at me " Problem is everyone NEEDS us. That is why I don't get a moment to myself to be ME. Besides you are stuck here just as I am and the only way out is for both of us to work together which means we both need to WANT to get out of here and since I don't see the need in leaving you will have to convince me that it is worth my while" his tone was serious.

 " You don't want to cooperate with me then."

 " More then that I don't want you as a part of me."

 I tried to figure that cryptic remark out. He had said before I was a part of him created when he couldn't or wouldn't leave this place. Then I realized all of it. He was the warrior, the ninja. He held all the memories and skills connected with fighting and that is why I didn't remember anything about that sort of stuff even with all of my brother's reminders. I had came to be when the Foot had left him to die in the garbage dumpster. In fact one might say that he had died at that point but it had been a spiritual death more than a physical one and since his body lived on somehow…I'm not sure how I came to be.

 " You have got it right. You are all that was left of the spirit that couldn't live on. You are my other side, the side I usually don't show to others because I have to be in the role of the perfect son or the responsible leader. I don't get much chance to be just me. Since you were created from me you respond to my own fears and uncertainties."

 " So my doubts of failing of being perfect are actually yours then."

 "'Fraid so," he admitted, " I can't be what they want I failed them. I dishonored my clan so to return honor I must die."

 " That is just giving up. You can't fail as long as you try" I retorted sharply.

 " Try? Ha that is almost funny. I have tried all my life and guess what I still failed or I wouldn't be here now."

 " There is nothing wrong in trying but there is in giving up and that is where you have failed. It is probably the only time you ever have failed"

 " You don't know me very well." He said.

 " I probably know you better than you know yourself even" I insisted.

 " I can't deny that" he agreed simply " though Splinter knows me. I trust him fully."

 " I don't know him and I don't trust him either." 

 " You believe he had us living a lie?" he snapped glaring at me.

 " I don't know about that. I just don't really know HIM. Mike and Raph said he died. They said once that had he been alive he might have been able to help bring back my memories."

 " DIED?! Splinter couldn't be dead" he looked at me as if trying to figure out weather I was joking or telling the truth.

 " That is what they told me. Raph also told me I had a duty to my family and should be more responsible and…"

" Raph said WHAT?! Are you sure we are talking about the same Raphael here?" he was staring at me in total disbelief.

 " I had the feeling at the time that it was some sort of family joke Mike and Don seemed to think it was pretty hilarious at any rate." I shrugged.

 " Raph said THAT…" he shook his head.

  I sighed the longer I stayed here the more I felt like I just ought to stay here. Why should I leave? This place was peaceful, quiet I could easily see me spending a great deal of my time here and even as I though this I knew also that I had to get back. Getting back may not be easy especially since I had to first convince my warrior side to join me and I had a feeling he wasn't going to make it easy for me to do so. I also knew that he was not going to respond to the family needing him.

 " Got that right!" he grinned at me.

 I scowled if he kept picking up my thoughts it would be extremely difficult to convince him.

 " You're right again. I'll just guard against whatever you plan to do. So you might as well admit that you are stuck here now because I DON'T want to go back."

 " You would lose more honor in staying here than you would in going back" I challenged him.

 " Nice try not going to work. Tell you what I haven't sparred in ages we'll fight whoever wins gets to decide. Best two out of three" he offered cheerfully.

 " Right only I don't fight. You are the warrior not me. I am a pacifist so we are not going that route" I snapped knowing easily who would win his challenge.

 " You realize that no matter what one of us won't be leaving here so I don't know WHY you insist on getting me to help you."

 I puzzled over that remark. Luckily at least in this spot I could gather my thoughts. If we both had to cooperate we both had to leave together, so how could one of us end up staying behind?

 " I don't care much for riddles," I muttered.

 " Really I learned the best from Splinter when he gave out riddles." He stated.

 I then thought of something he had said earlier. He had said he was a part of me and he also mentioned not wanting me as a part of him. The answer to his riddle had to be that the two of us would somehow have to join as one yet again.

 " Just because you found the answer doesn't mean I'm going to help you," he cautioned.

 I wished that he wouldn't do this at any rate he had at least confirmed what I had needed to know.

 " Why don't you want to leave here?" I asked him.

 " Why do you WANT to leave here?" he countered in response.

 " I'm needed."

 " Needed, demanded, and ordered. Here at least I have some peace of mind" he sighed wearily " Besides I can't be what they want me to be. I can't be perfect. I fail and when I fail I end up failing everything that is expected of me. I cannot be a leader when I know in my heart that sooner or later I will lead all of my brothers to their death. I cannot live up to what they want of me. I am not perfect and I can't deal with all the responsibility they out onto me. I can't do it I have lost all honor in trying. I have disgraced my family and my clan and you expect me to return in disgrace? No I can't and I won't."

 Even as he said those words I felt a part of me respond to them and a small part of myself whispered that he was right no one would really miss us if we decided to stay here. We wouldn't be bothered by anyone they couldn't reach us here.

 " Christine isn't like that, she is my friend," I declared firmly.

 " What made her your friend?" He inquired.

 " I don't really know. She saved my life for one and she is always willing to talk or just listen if I need to talk she never seemed to want anything from me that I wasn't willing to give."

 " NEVER not even once?" he demanded scorn in his voice.

 " Well there was once but I wasn't too sure of what she wanted at that point. She kept asking me questions really quickly and kept telling me that I had it wrong."

 " I thought as much," he growled darkly.

 " When the Foot came though she was going to protect me she stood between me and them and told them to leave me alone. She didn't want them taking or hurting me so I knew her intentions were not what they had been before. I don't know why she put me through that interrogation but I do know she didn't want the Foot anywhere near me. Look you say you trust Splinter yet he was the one who bound you with those chains of responsibility in the first place. You just wanted to please him and you ended up tying the chains tighter around yourself by doing so."

 He turned giving me a vicious dark stony stare, his body tensed and a sneer crossed his lips and for once I heard his thoughts He is the Master. Our Father. He did what he had to, to protect us. Speak with respect humility and honor when you speak of him.

 " You can trust him then and I will continue to trust Christine" I replied to his unvoiced thoughts.

 " She is only HUMAN" he remarked cynically.

 " So what of it? At least she has more courage than some turtles I know. Some warrior you are!"

 " If you think for one moment that is going to make me cooperate it won't work," He remarked turning away from me as if to dismiss me.

 I had to think of something but I had no idea what could motivate a warrior who felt he had no honor and was a disgrace to those that he loved.

 He turned back " I'm still willing to spar."

 " Only because you know you would win that isn't very sporting now is it? Which means will both end up staying here."

 ' Come on face it. YOU want to stay here just as much as I do because you know it isn't all that bad."

 " All right I could stay here and I want to stay here" I admitted " But I also feel like I should be elsewhere."

 " You mean with your friend Christine? What does she do for a living anyways?"

 " She is a veterinarian," I answered.

 " Oh, I get it must have figured you were some dumb animal must have been a shock to her when you first talked."

 " I don't know if she ever consider me as a dumb animal. Quite possibly at first she had but what I do know is she never treated me any less than human. She gave me choices and the freedom to choose what I wanted even when I didn't know who I was and even when she brought Raph and Mike to her apartment that first night she gave me a choice on if I wanted to see them."

 " A choice really?" his tone was shocked as if he didn't believe it or as if he himself was not use to having people give him a choice in anything.

 ' Yeah really. I think if I said no she wouldn't have pushed me into it. There were some things that I really didn't want to do like visiting the lair or seeing the others practice and she would just point out all the reasons why it wouldn't hurt to do that and then basically leave it up to me. It was as if she wanted me to see all sides of the argument good and bad and then let me decide what I wanted. You know I don't even think I watched all of that practice session and I asked her later if she was upset by it she told me no that I had at least watched some of it kept an open mind and that fighting obviously wasn't my thing and it was so good that I really knew myself so well when I had amnesia at the same time. She knows no one perfect and doesn't expect them to be. She is the one who told me as long as you try you can't fail."

 He snorted " Nice sentiment. Pity it isn't true. You SURE you don't want to fight? I haven't been able to spar with anyone for ages and katas tend to get a little boring after a while and meditation can only take up so much of my time here."

 " If you are so bored why not get out of here I mean I'm sure you'll find some one to spar or fight with out there." I offered.

 " I didn't say I was THAT bored. You're going have to try harder you know" he answered casually.

 " Looks like Quan was right when he said you were dishonorable."

 " I don't know any Quan. Another friend of yours perhaps?"

 " You do know Quan and I assure you he isn't a friend. He was the one who left you to die in the dumpster. He is the Foot soldier who wielded the katana with such skill and accuracy you were forced to focus on him. He is I assume the leader of your enemies the Foot. He told me you failed him in his battle with you and that I had failed him a second time by refusing to fight showing him no honor by doing so. He said when I regained my honor we would fight again and he would prove once and for all that I was NOTHING but a failure."

 Something in his body posture changed suddenly and next thing I knew he was gone as if he never existed. I felt a strange coldness enter my body. I felt like I was seeing out of two different pairs of eyes. Felt like my being was being submerged forced down and back as something else took over.

  There was a strange ringing in my ears and I felt my senses come alive in a way I never felt before and a rush of memories of fighting and I knew then the Warrior was in me or I was in him I'm not sure which but I did know we were one and that he had suddenly changed his mind he wanted to go back now too. But I had no idea what had brought on this change in him.

 " A Foot Soldier CHALLENGES me? He leaves me to die in rubbish after overwhelming ME with a number of his clan at his side and then he has the audacity to say I have no honor."

 So that is it YOU want to challenge HIM?

 " Yes, one on one then we will see who has honor," he hissed.

 So any idea on how we get back so you can challenge him to regain honor?

 " Listen very carefully. Can't you hear it? I have heard it all along for some time now but I don't know who it is. I suppose it is your friend Christine who you trust so much and now that we are together I think I understand that trust."

 I listened and I could hear very faintly as if coming from a great distance a voice " Leo… Leo please come back don't stay lost to those who love you something can be worked out."

 Just hearing her voice faint, as it was seemed to pull me towards here. A path was formed between her and me and nothing could intrude between me and where I needed to be.

 Her gentle voice was my guide and I followed it feeling as if I was swimming up stream against a powerful current that kept trying to grab me and pull me back. It didn't want to release me and I didn't want to give in to it not that I now had a way out of here.

 I didn't stop fighting until I felt the cold of a hard concrete floor seeping into my body under me. Christine's warm body half slumped over me. My head pillowed in her lap and as I took it all in my mind raced with recent images. Things that I knew happened and yet hadn't happened to me I stored them all away to look at later in my own time. I knew there were more important things to care for first. I felt tired and worn out and yet at the same time I was greatly looking forward to breaking free.

  I almost laughed at one of the last images of me cowering before the Foot. When had I EVER cowered to anyone? Never mind to my enemies.

 I knew who I was now. I was Leonardo, the katanas were my weapon and I was hoping to appropriate some REAL soon and that I like my brothers was a Ninja Turtle.

 Part 4- Dilemma

  I opened my eyes trembling and shaking my body covered in a cold sweat and feeling a little ill from the memories, which I had allowed free during my meditation. I glanced at the clock on the wall and realized that it wouldn't be much longer and the others would be getting up for morning session. Raph I knew would already be awake he preferred to rest a bit in his room allowing himself to fully come awake before getting mobile.

 I had only returned to answer the challenge of my enemy. I had not wanted anything to do with my family and I would have thought that family would have been the first thing I would respond to. 

 Then there was Christine, I did not trust humans easily I saw them as a threat to our livelihood after all at any given time any one of our friends could use us for their own needs. Turn us in for money or what have you and it was very hard to trust when you knew the threat every man has his price. One day perhaps one of our human friends could be tempted to reveal our where about for a price that they found acceptable. I hated to think of such things and yet such thoughts intruded often for I had to see to the safety of the family and that meant thinking often of worst case scenarios. 

 Christine was different some how I trusted her so fully, so unconditionally that I could not see her EVER selling us out for any price. Perhaps it was that blind trust in her that had enabled her to reach me wherever I had been and she had guided me out of that hellhole. I knew I had wanted to stay there and I also had to admit if only to myself that a small part of me still wanted to go back to that quiet place especially now when I felt the strain of leadership more than ever before.

 Do you know what happened Leo? Can you accept it?

 That voice, the inner voice, which was far more vocal then, it had ever been before actually was the pacifist side of me. I realized that now.

 Didn't really think that I would go away did you Leo?

 Hoped more like it I thought ruefully.

 Hmm, well that is gratitude I suppose and after all I have done for you and all that I put up with from you. The tone was light and mocking and full of humor so what happened to you Leo?

 Nothing. I couldn't…I wouldn't go…

 Leo you did you locked yourself up and just about threw away the key. I was locked up with you for a time. How come I can accept this and you can't?

 NO!

 You are NOT perfect Leo. Repeat after me. I'm not perfect saying it a million times or more and maybe you will let yourself begin to admit to it.

 I have to be perfect that is who I am. It is expected of me especially now.

 Leo why do you think Christine was so concerned for us? She told you, you can't be perfect for your brothers and she was right. You promised to think about it and now that you have looked into your most recent past it might be time to consider it and start putting things into their proper perspective.

 I have to be perfect.

 No Leo! Just give it up all right? Perfect people don't go locking themselves up in the farthest reaches of their mind and refusing to come out. A perfect person doesn't go insane with their own doubts and fears. Might as well throw perfection on the rubbish heap where it belongs. Can't you let it go Leo?

 I whimpered softly but if I give it up what then? 

You can be YOU Leo.

 I don't even know who I really am. All of my life I have trained and worked to become what I am today and now I have to tear out a part of that and reject it.

  Why not you were rejecting a much larger part of yourself before you know. I say it is about time to figure out who you really are Leo.

 I don't have time to learn. I have to…

 Give yourself a choice at least Leo. You don't like others forcing decisions on you but you are willing to force the worst ones on yourself. Do you WANT to be perfect?

 I never wanted to be perfect.

 Then what have you got to lose by giving it up?

 I can't don't you see. Don and Mike still expect perfection from me. I have to be perfect for them if I don't then they might end up losing the faith and trust they have in me and that could lead to major trouble. They might not follow my lead if they knew what happened to me.

 Gee, and what happened Leo?

 I won't accept it!

 Leo you can really be difficult you know that? Just because you are a warrior who is trying to live up to some code of honor doesn't mean you have to start a battle over everything you know. Why is it so hard for you to accept? Is it because you have lost all control? Come on face facts Leo, you are crazy, mentally unbalanced, a loonie you're cracked um… I can keep going here. The point I'm trying to make is trying to be perfect has made you that way. It could happen to anyone.

 It happened to me. Let's make a deal I am willing to give up being perfect I have never achieved perfection and doubt I ever will but I will NOT admit to THAT.

 YOU HAVE TO LEO! If you cannot admit to it then you will never accept what happened.

 All right. Fine. I went crazy for a bit but it was only temporary. It was for a short time only and it is over now and it will not happen again.

 You can't be sure about that can you Leo?

 I won't let it. I am in control.

 Sure you are. Just like you were in control the first time around right Leo?

 Just shut up!

 You have an intense hatred of me don't you Leo?

 I hate how you keep coming up with things like that and how you won't let it just go and take me at my word.

 Your brothers can take you at your word. I happen to know you better and I am doing this for your own good like it or not. I need you to accept that you are NOT in control of everything, especially this or next time you will lock us both up and who knows if we will make it out of there Leo. Besides what happens if you have a breakdown in front of Don or Mike what will happen then? You think that will help them follow their leader?

  What am I suppose to do then? You really believe I will lose control like that again?

 Careful Leo. You recall that old saying that it is all right to talk to yourself but when you start to answer back you may be in need of some serious help. In all seriousness I think it could happen again. It might happen again and as a Warrior should you not be prepared for it? Christine was right you can't do it alone and at the moment you do have enough of your own problems to deal with without the added hassles and responsibilities of being the leader.

 I know that. I know I can't do it alone. I'll only fail.

 No you won't Leo not if you get some help and you try your best.

 Help from who? Donny? He could handle some responsibility.

 You said it yourself Donny expects you to be perfect and Mike wouldn't work at all he doesn't take to responsibility. Mike is a born follower not a leader and he wants you to be perfect too.

 So that leaves no one and I have to do it on my own.

 Aren't you forgetting someone Leo?

 NO! Not Raph!

 Why not Raph Leo?

 If anything will drive me crazy it will be HIM!

 He's changed Leo.

 No.

 He doesn't think you are perfect Leo.

 Forget it we would drive each other crazy or end up killing each other one of the two. It won't work.

 Mike and Don both say he held the family together.

 Raph is a rude, obnoxious, sarcastic, irresponsible, immature jerk. It won't work him and I don't get along.

 Okay Leo. You know yourself what Mike and Don had to say about Raph. You say Don and Mike want you to be perfect but what about Raph does he expect perfection from you? He doesn't seem to care one way or the other if you live up to the perfect image. The reason you have never gotten along is you were so busy trying to be perfect and make him perfect that you spent a lot of your time lecturing him. You stopped being his brother and started to act like a father and he already had one of those. You made him resent both you and Splinter both because if he wasn't getting it from you he was getting it from Splinter. He knows you are not perfect but it irritates him when it seems to him that you actually pull it off.

 Tell you what I would rather admit this to Don then to Raph.

 What do you think will happen when you tell Don you went crazy?

 I wouldn't tell him that.

 One of them ought to know Leo, who would you rather tell?

 None of them.

 So far you have done very good Leo though I won't deny that you haven't put up a struggle. You have admitted at least to yourself and to me that you are not perfect and you were crazy. You also know you need help but it is up to you to decide form from who. Whoever you decide to help you has to know the truth of the matter.

 I sighed wearily feeling thourghly exhausted and the day had not even begun. I listened to the silence of the lair around me even the inner voice was still. Finally giving me a moment's peace. Still forty five minutes before first session of the day.

 I reviewed my options for the whole family's sake I had to make a decision.

 I could try to work it alone but I knew I wasn't up to that challenge so that option was out. If I tried to go with it I would probably go insane again and I wanted to avoid that happening.

 My next option was to get help from either Don or Raph.

 Don the quiet, serious, technical minded and gifted was the most likely of the two but then again how would he view the fact I had been crazy for a time? Would he always worry about my sanity? Especially when I had to consider that he was the doctor of the family. Though now we also had Christine to help us with medical supplies and doctoring if we needed it when badly hurt. It was good to have her to help us.

 Then there was Raph and the very thought made me grimace but I weighed everything out and made my decision one that I hoped I would not end up regretting. 

 It wasn't an easy decision to come to and I knew I best get it over with knowing it wouldn't get any easier. Then again nothing was easy when dealing with Raphael.

Maybe I'd get lucky and he'd turn me down refuse to help. I could see him doing that just out of spite. In which case I could see if Don wanted to take on the responsibility I needed someone else to carry. I just hoped both of them wouldn't turn me down. I also prayed that my instincts and feelings were right about Raph regardless of my feelings and doubts.


End file.
